Wanted: a bridge

When you're weary, feeling small,

When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
Im on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When youre down and out,
When youre on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
Im sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

I've had loads of work to do this week. not just schoolwork but things that just need to be done. i'm already exhausted and it's only tuesday night/wednesday morning and there's miles to go. i know i have the the tools for the job but i've hit a mental block and i'm just needing a source of inspiration. i haven't been feeling the love much this week. i don't know if people are just on edge or something... but we could all be a little more compassionate and kind to one another. where is the love?

<3

M.I.A, a progress report, and hope

oh mercy, prepare yourselves for an epic post today because i have a lot of making up to do.

as my dear friend EMSA pointed out to me, i dropped the ball and have failed to post for the last couple weeks. apologies. midterms + a trip home shook up my routine a little bit and i'm sorry to have abandoned the blog.

before bed last night i found myself thinking (while peeing...of course) or perhaps reflecting on my life at present. more specifically i was asking myself how satisfied i was with my life. was this where i wanted/imagined myself to be at 22? if not.... am i okay with how things are going? if this isn't where i wanted to be and still isn't... what would i rather be doing? much to my own disappointment, many of my answers were inconclusive. lately, i've been experiencing a coming-of-age phenomenon that's been coined as the "quarterlife crisis". for anyone not familiar with this period or label, i've managed to enlist the help of wikipedia to briefly describe it.

The quarterlife crisis is a term applied to the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the early twenties to the early thirties. The term is named by analogy with mid-life crisis.

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

• Realizing the pursuits of ones peers are useless.
• Confronting their own mortality
• Watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
• insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
• insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• loss of closeness to high school and college friends
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
• loneliness, depression and suicide
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
• frustration with social ills

to read further here's the link to the wikipedia entry http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

now i wouldn't say i'm experience all of the "symptoms", but i'm experiencing many of them. here are some of the thoughts/reflections/realizations that have been crossing my mind lately...

- i brought back a photo album with me from my room at home. it has mostly pictures from when i was a toddler and them some as young kid. i always thought my parents looked so young for their age and basically looked the same as i had always remembered them (except for dad getting a little salt and pepper in his hair and mom not getting hers permed anymore...) but after looking at my baby/childhood photos i see how much we've all grown and that they do look older. but still not old. in fact, what was most shocking about this was not how old they look now, but how young they looked then. they both looked SO young. it was an eerie feeling. i realized the reason that this was so shocking/eerie was because i'm now fast approaching the age that my parents were when they married and began their lives together, and consequently, my life. the pictures i'm looking at with them holding me as a baby ....i'm looking at them as they were at roughly my age. it's a crazy sensation. surreal in fact. it must be akin to the feeling of what parents feel seeing their kids grow up. now, maybe, i understand the tears and parents' pain of aging more.

- lots of my friends are getting engaged/married and a handful are already having children. i get so excited to hear all of these announcements and consider all of it great news. now that my original graduating class of '09 has officially graduated from their respective colleges and universities, many of them are working real jobs, living in their own place, paying things bills and taxes, and having "office holiday parties". that's real. that's SO real.

i've been thinking a lot about the person i always thought i would be. what i expected my life to be like. the daughter i thought i was supposed to be, the sister i was supposed to be, the friend i was supposed to be, the student i was supposed to be......... the success i was supposed to be.

starting in late elementary school i had always imagined that i would grow up to be an academically successful graduate of WHS; a prominent member of the freshtones (select freshman show choir) and then the famed Concert Choir, decorated soccer player, governor's school alum, and social butterfly. then i'd go on to UVA where i'd study to become a doctor and play on the soccer team (i also remember the fantasy of dating a Cavalier football player...but the team was a lot better when i was younger.)

needless to say.... this didn't play out exactly as planned (in many cases, not at all as planned).

i was a pretty successful honors student who did end up going to to governor's school. i did make Freshtones and then when auditions came, landed a spot in Concert Choir making it to second chair, choreographer, and house manager. i also wrote and performed sketches and parodies in the biannual CC variety shows just like the ones i idolized growing up. i did have a soccer career that garnered some notoriety as a starter, rookie of the year, captain, all-district...and i did enjoy a pretty lovely social scene and moderate popularity. those things were somewhat close to what i had imagined as a 5th grader at Westwood Hills. but there were some things that weren't as close or that didn't go "according to plan".

I decided not to go back to Governor's School for my senior year. starting my sophomore year, my habit of adding on extracurriculars and biting off precocious bits of academic ambition was gradually wearing me thin and taking its toll on me. i began to feel the heat too much and the stress caused me to crack and eventually have a mental breakdown at 17 (despite trying to internalize and keep shit from hitting the fan). i hurt my mental health severely, it hurt my motivation, it hurt my relationships, it hurt my self-esteem and confidence, it hurt my academic performance.

Once i became eligible for NCAA recruitment i began to get calls and letters about playing soccer in college. i went on a few visits and began talking to coaches but then, after thoughtful consideration and discussion with my parents, decided to remove my name from the clearing list. I had suffered quite a traumatic mental storm during the latter part of my high school career and felt strongly that now that i had reinvented my schedule and cleared out what i didn't need and attempted to eliminate my stressors... it was time to start clean and allow myself the opportunity to explore life after high school and completely reinvent myself.

i only applied to one in state school and eventually decided to attend a small private (wealthy, white..) college in the south. i loved college and had a blast living in an entirely new place. at first i thought it was like summer camp plus school work, minus curfew, plus things like alcohol. but the transition proved to be more bumpy than i anticipated. i decided to drop my pre-med major and go undecided. my roommate had a toxic personality and i hadn't had to share a room before ...needless to say, it became a hostile living situation. i was suddenly wrecked with stress, uncertainty, and later depression. while i still went on to have truckloads of good times and made some of my very best friends, i was in a perpetual struggle to find success. after 2 1/2 years, over thanksgiving break, i decided with the support of my parents, to discontinue my time there.

i was soon searching for new possibilities and finally (over winter break) narrowed down some choice schools to apply for transfer to that would have an environment and programs more conducive to my vision for college and thereafter. before i could complete the process, i broke my neck in a freak winter car accident on my way up to work ski patrol. what followed was a [mentally and physically] painful recovery period. the really horrible thing about the nature of my injury was that all i could do to rehabilitate was to wait. sit still, and wait. i became a prisoner of my own mind. thankful to be alive and not paralyzed.. but still desperate to be active in some greater capacity. i was in a state of circumstantial depression. miserable and tortured.

Then, in the last month or so of my recovery i gave myself an attitude adjustment. things may have veered far from the path i had initially laid out for myself. but that's the bitch/wonder/joy of life...things are subject to change. shit happens and you have to learn to roll with the punches and work with what you've got. sometimes it's a harsh realization but a necessary one. so i decided to suck it up and try to work my way back to where i wanted to be. i decided to become "the comeback kid".

so immediately following my recovery i took some summer school classes to catch up and i applied for transfer. i took 12 hrs of classes close to home and kept a 4.0 then i officially transferred in January of this year (09) to the largest university in the state with a program i'm exited to be in and that i feel is preparing me for a career that i'm enthusiastic about. i'm back playing soccer and started playing lacrosse as well. i'll graduate in may 2011. as a new 24 yr old.

i often look back on my whimsical, winding road with regrets. sometimes those regrets include things like: not studying harder in high school, not loving myself enough as a kid or teenager, not allowing myself to be comfortable in my own skin, not treating people well enough, not going to med school and becoming a doctor, not having the balls to go out and pursue my love of comedy, not going to an ivy league school, not controlling my sassy mouth more.

most people think that regrets are useless or even counterproductive. but i think there's something to be learned from regrets. reflecting on why you regret those things, what it was you wanted from those things, and whether or not that's still what you want. reflection is like self-therapy; giving yourself a progress report.

like a good presbyterian, i believe in a certain predestination. i believe things happen for reason. some call it fate, others call it a plan. for now, i'm a work in progress. doing the best i can since 1987.

love

Rock Bottom Can Kiss My Ass

it's 4am and absolutely ludicrous that i'm blogging right now when i should be deep in slumber awaiting the rise of Wednesday. but i couldn't fight the inspiration bursting through me right now at this ungodly hour so here we are.

let me review just kind of what i've been going through the last week or so.

homesickness...i wrote about this earlier...i've been oddly homesick for essentially the first time (except one time at dance camp. for reals). so i've been kind of stressing to find a time when i can go home without missing anything back here at college. it's been heavy on my heart.

fatty fatty 2 by 4.... i've felt fat the last week or so. i was on my period for part of it so that's kind of just what comes with the territory. but then i had to take most of the week off of soccer to rest a leg that had inflamed muscle tissue. so i wasn't getting much exercise aside from walking. and i was eating more than usual for some odd reason. it was like i had an insatiable appetite. gag. i wish i could say i didn't struggle with body image but i do. i absolutely do. i want to look healthy and be fit. i want to look and feel great and it's just been driving me up the wall the past couple of weeks. i'm not fat. but i'm not as fit or toned or trim as i want to be. i find myself wishing for the high school body i was once so critical of. i still keep my favorite pair of black stretch gap jeans from high school in my bottom drawer with me here at college. they're like my goal pants. i want to get to this zen place by shaping my lifestyle into one that's built around healthy habits.

show me the money... i'll level with you. i didn't get a real job this summer. i babysat/nannied for a couple that i love. the rest of the time i either worked out, hung out, did home improvement projects for mom and dad, or traveled. so unlike the summer i worked for Hershey, i didn't bring home thousands of dollars to play with at college. damn. thousands of dollars sound so good right now. i have money that will see me through but i have to spend wisely and use way more restraint than i've ever had to before. it's tough. i've been poking around looking for part time jobs nearby but it seems the jobs are scarce as the newspapers tell us. the hunt continues but until i land a paying gig it looks like i'll have to tighten my belt...if i didn't feel so fat...

has been........i love soccer. it was my main event growing up and i had a pretty solid career in my time playing competitively growing up. but after 4 years of not playing, plus some drinking, weird sleeping, additional eating, and way less exercising....my A game is not what it used to be. playing on the club team has been awesome. the girls are great. the calibur of the talent and level of effort is everything i could hope for. but as great as it is to be playing a sport i love with girls i love....i can't help but wrestle with feelings of inadequacy. i'm not as fast or as fit or as sharp as i used to be. i've gone from being one of the top players who started every game and logged goals and assists regularly to just trying to keep up with the pack and pushing myself to meet expectations. soccer used to be a point of pride for me and now i feel like i'm just trying not to embarrass myself. insert ego punch here.

and now, tonight i have this massive, insane headache out of nowhere that's been killing me for almost 2 hrs. preventing me from resting and getting the sleep i HAVE to have. my mind is racing with the aforementioned thoughts in my head and i'm just lying there trying to tire myself to the point of passing out from mental exhaustion. then i suddenly remembered an exchange i had earlier in the day with one of my lax loves, linds. after soccer i dropped by the apartment that linds shares with jill, rach, and chels to drop off a couple things. linds started telling me that she had gotten pulled over by a cop on the way back to school from a concert at home this weekend. here is essentially the excerpt from the conversation:

L: so i got pulled over when i was coming home this weekend by a cop for going too fast down this hill...

S: and you got a ticket?

L: no.

S: you cried your way out of it?

L: no.

S: you showed him your boobs?

L: yeah, 'sucky sucky no ticket.'

now before i go any further, you should all know that lindsey did NOT flash her breasts at a police officer. that was a dry joke that lindsey nonchalantly slipped in there.

but i thought this little jest was HILARIOUS and immediately collapsed beside her bed in a fit of laughter that lasted for another good 2.5 minutes (to which chelsea commented "whoop, and she's gone" as my knees buckled). i found this to be just hilarious. after eventually recovering from this episode we finished the convo and i headed back to my apartment.

cut to me lying here in bed begging the magical tylenol to kick this headache in the balls so i can finally hibernate. this conversation replays in my head spontaneously and i immediately relapse into the same laughing fit as earlier only this time, i'm desperately trying to muffle it so as not to wake my roommate katie. of course, suppressing only makes it worse i'm nearly killing myself just to keep quiet. finally, i again recover and am able to breathe.

i still have a headache but it's like someone pulled a giant stick out of my ass. i'm more relaxed and in WAY better spirits. i think about how funny that was and how awesome it felt to laugh so hard at something. total bliss. when you laugh like that it's a complete "life time-out". your mind cannot focus on anything except for how funny that something was. and i think about how grateful i am to laugh like that. and more importantly, how grateful i am to have friends that make me laugh like that. friends that bring me this kind of joy....now there's an area where i've hit the jackpot. i have a dream team of friends. they are so good to me it almost brings tears to my eyes just to think of them. they are funny and they are fun. they are kind and understanding. they pick me up when i'm down, kick me in the ass when i'm feeling sorry for myself, mend my spirit when's broken (or just bruised), and they dish out reality when i need perspective. more than anything they show me love. i find my inspiration to live extraordinarily in them. they make me feel special, like i deserve good things and am capable of achieving great things, so i choose to live my life as the person they see. someone worthy of their time, friendship, and love. and that, my friends, is enough. near or far, fat or thin, rich or poor, famous or unknown... it will always be enough to try daily to live a humble life inspired by love. so "rock bottom" can kiss my ass. this kid's walking on sunshine.

okay seriously...NOW i have to sleep.

<3