Living on a Prayer

friends,
i sent most of you a "PLEASE PRAY" text last night before my cell phone battery was shot. i got many of your responses and messages this morning and cannot thank you enough for your willingness to meditate and pray without hesitation. i know that many of your were concerned due to the lack of detail and response. here is the reason for the text:

my fam and i were en route to Chicago for the holidays yesterday (where my dad is from and thus our extended family). we had pretty ideal driving weather until about 100 miles out from chicago around 9pm or so. then we began to see freezing rain and wintery mix fall with the temperature outside hovering around 30 degrees.

most everyone knows that almost 2 years ago (in jan) i was in a severe winter car accident while i was driving up to work ski patrol at Wintergreen. after losing contro, out of the blue, my car spun off the road and slammed head-on into 2 trees with the impact snapping my neck. after a miraculous recovery of several months my body healed totally, escaping any nerve damage or paralysis. however, i suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) where i had overwhelming and debilitating anxiety about riding in cars, driving, and inclement weather. i had terrible panic attacks and was repeatedly haunted by nightmares and flashbacks. With professional therapy, medication, and the unwavering support of my family and friends, i was able to work through this incredibly difficult mental battle. In May of this year(about a year and a half after the accident) I was finally able to come off the anxiety medication and reestablish a sense of normalcy and confidence (with the exception of mild car jitters).

My brother came to get me from school at GMU in Fairfax, VA this past friday due to the forecasted blizzard. we made it safely, only encountering weather for the last 20+ minutes of our 2 hr journey. it was a little unnerving but i was able to handle it and keep most of my panic at bay.

Last night, my worst fears came to haunt me. Sitting just less than 20 miles from my grandmothers brownstone in Chicago, we were stopped in traffic on the Skyway on the left most side of the inbound lanes against the jersey wall divider. there was a slight hill that we were sitting just short of. trying to distract myself i was watching a movie on my ipod when all of the sudden i heard a giant "WHACK" that made my heart stop and i nearly pissed my pants. a jeep had come flying over the hill headed the other direction and lost control, crashing wildly into the jersey wall right beside our car and went spinning across the road finally haulting in the very middle facing OPPOSITE traffic. the driver, a man, got out in front of his car and began trying to wave cars that were coming over the hill away from his car in the center of road which IDIOTIC and as my dad nearly shrieked, suicide. Sure enough the next car to come over the hill was going a cool 60 mph and didn't see the man in time to brake cautiously and thus ended up swerving and spinng uncontrollably in a desperate attempt to avoid the man and his car. he ended up hitting the car and the jersey wall but missing the man, at which point the man hopped back in his car realizing that standing there was a death sentence. the cars on our side all had their hazards and blinkers on and many, including myself, had their windows down waving arms frantically, desperately trying to caution and plead with the oncomig traffic. the cars were mostly coming too quickly and blindly over the hill and could not avoid the clusterfuck ahead. while a few were able to somehow manuever their spin with little or minimal damage, i watched in horror as car after car after SUV after Uhaul after tractor trailer went sailing across the glassy terrain and smashed into the cars that now lay battered across the skyways. it was like living in a nightmare, being actively tortured watching these cars full of traveling families get crushed by the helpless and wild vehicles behind them, laying there begging to be shielded from the brunt of the impact and colossal damage. it was like being forced to watch my accident all over again from the outside 25 times in a row. even my father, who is normally able to stay stoic and pragmatic in these situations was visibly upset and shocked as piles of casualties got closer to the spot next to us by the jersey wall. now the greatest threat was a car coming through or across the jersery wall and crushing our car that had no exit thanks to traffic. this is when i sent that last text out. I layed in our car in traumatic shock and became sick to my stomach. clinging to my brother and praying harder than i'm sure i ever have. despite closing my eyes, i could still hear the larger than life sound of the vehicles losing control and smacking into the walls and each other. our side of traffic finally losened up and we were able to manuver over and exit though not before witnessing the same horrific mess beginning just down the way on our own side.

we made it to the house safely. i quickly jumped out of the car and hurried up the stairs and into the bathroom where i promptly collapsed on the floor, again got sick to my stomach and now uncontrollably sobbing. i did end up having a full blown anxiety attack and mental breakdown where i couldn't seem to get my grief and distress under control. after being inconsolable for about an hour and a half i was finally able to start calming down (perhaps due to pure exhaustion. one of my dear aunts loaded me up with red wine (catholic xanx), a tall glass of water, and some ibuprofen. i went out like a light. i'm doing better today, happy to have my family, this holiday (incidently also my aunt jo's birthday), and my favorite city to distract me. the pile up wreckage we witnessed was all over the news and due to the magnitude of it, they closed the skyway for hours.

I want to thank everyone for their overwhelming support, prayers, thoughts, and concern. I feel strongly that it was very much part of our safe keeping. and please continue to pray for the prevention and healing of all the families that are actively or will be having to deal with this unthinkable tragedy this holiday. I realize this is a sobering story to be sharing on such a joyous (and as most know, my FAVORITE) holiday of the year but perhaps it can enhance our Chirstmas by urging us to count our blessings and be more generous with our hugs and affection as we celebrate with our family and friends. i love every one of you and hope that you have the best [safe] Christmas holiday and a rockin' new years eve.
love,

The Blind Side

I've been waiting for months for The Blind Side to finally open in theaters. I saw the trailer during previews while at a different movie this past summer and stopped shoving popcorn in my mouth for the 2 minutes 30 seconds of it and fell into a trance.

For those not familiar, The Blind Side is the film of a true story about Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle, Michael Oher. The film is from the book of the same name and chronicles his rise from a homeless neglected child of the projects in Memphis to a highly sought after draft pick for the NFL all with the help and love of an unlikely source: the well to do, white, Christian family, the Tuohys.

Finally last night I went to see it both excited and nervous. I had set such high expectations for the film, I was worried it may not measure up. Much to my [pleasant] surprise, it far exceeded my expectations. Fun fact: I've never cried at a movie in my entire life. That's not to say that I'm not often touched or moved by them, I'm just not really crier. However last night, the tears came.

Most people cry at movies when someone gets sick, dies, or is defeated in someway. Typically they are tears of sorrow or heartbreak. My tears, as well as the rest of the audience's tears, were tears of joy, inspiration, and happiness. The Blind Side is a movie that promotes boundless love and compassion. It is a film about the human spirit. It's refreshingly realistic. Never did I feel like things were embellished, melodramatic, or glamorized for Hollywood. This story and these characters are real; no embellishment needed. I find that true stories are the ones that are most inspirational because they are rooted in reality. Ordinary people doing extraordinary things or going through an extraordinary transformation. These are the stories we need.

It's well known that I'm a cinemaphile with varied taste. I love movies and see them often. This is simply the best movie I've seen in years, very possibly the past decade, and perhaps, in my entire life. It's fabulous. I don't know what else I can say besides, it's a wonderful story that's been beautifully captured in film and is endlessly entertaining and moving. Please see it.

love

I like peeps

Oh ye handful of readers, I have failed you once again. School has been owning me lately and my time and energy seem to simply evaporate. Regardless, here I am to repent and share.

Lately I've had a wonderful new ....we'll call it "revolution of the heart". Most would say that I've always been a pretty affable/friendly/approachable person that typically wins over people with my sense of humor. However I've had a long internal struggle with feeling somewhat intolerant of certain kinds of people & personalities. I typically run into this trouble with two kinds of people.

A)I struggle with allowing myself to love people who are difficult to love and show kindness too. I think my trouble was rooted in feeling that if I were to show them some kind of benevolence that it would be rewarding people for things I despise about them. Perhaps it is the lack of love and mercy they are shown that is to be blamed for any obnoxious or hateful behavior.

B) I also struggle showing love to people who are in situations that make me uncomfortable or unbelievably sad. People with disabilities or special needs, people who are sick, homeless/poor, or some other unfortunate circumstance. I have several feelings when I come into any kind of contact with these people. I feel overwhelmed by their struggle and it makes my heart start to bleed so much that I try to shut off my caring completely to shield myself from becoming consumed with grief and sadness. Many of these people have troubles that seem unsolvable...like a lost cause. But of course that doesn't mean that they are a lost cause. I think I also feel guilty to a certain extent for having such a blessed life, coming from a well-educated, stable, affluent family that is supportive and loving. I have no disabilities or special needs. I'm healthy and fully capable of nearly anything. The opportunities that have been laid before me in this life are abundant. I look at these people who seem to have mountains too great to climb, and live a life of unmet needs and despair. nothing but tough breaks. Any human has to wonder where the justice and love is in the world. How can there be such a great divide between the privileged and the destitute? The more painful question is how can I deny or withhold love or compassion from these people? Love is something that every human is given in infinite supply. To be greedy with love is perhaps the worst sin/greatest tragedy of all. There is no greater disservice to the human race.

However, I've found in the past few months that my efforts to love more generously and be more understanding have opened my heart so much that it's remarkable. I feel more whole and more connected to humankind. Honesty is freeing. Love is fulfilling. Luckily, neither of them cost a penny.

love

Wanted: a bridge

When you're weary, feeling small,

When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
Im on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When youre down and out,
When youre on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
Im sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

I've had loads of work to do this week. not just schoolwork but things that just need to be done. i'm already exhausted and it's only tuesday night/wednesday morning and there's miles to go. i know i have the the tools for the job but i've hit a mental block and i'm just needing a source of inspiration. i haven't been feeling the love much this week. i don't know if people are just on edge or something... but we could all be a little more compassionate and kind to one another. where is the love?

<3

M.I.A, a progress report, and hope

oh mercy, prepare yourselves for an epic post today because i have a lot of making up to do.

as my dear friend EMSA pointed out to me, i dropped the ball and have failed to post for the last couple weeks. apologies. midterms + a trip home shook up my routine a little bit and i'm sorry to have abandoned the blog.

before bed last night i found myself thinking (while peeing...of course) or perhaps reflecting on my life at present. more specifically i was asking myself how satisfied i was with my life. was this where i wanted/imagined myself to be at 22? if not.... am i okay with how things are going? if this isn't where i wanted to be and still isn't... what would i rather be doing? much to my own disappointment, many of my answers were inconclusive. lately, i've been experiencing a coming-of-age phenomenon that's been coined as the "quarterlife crisis". for anyone not familiar with this period or label, i've managed to enlist the help of wikipedia to briefly describe it.

The quarterlife crisis is a term applied to the period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence, usually ranging from the early twenties to the early thirties. The term is named by analogy with mid-life crisis.

Characteristics of quarter-life crisis may include:

• Realizing the pursuits of ones peers are useless.
• Confronting their own mortality
• Watching time slowly take its toll on their parents, only to realize they are next
• insecurity regarding the fact that their actions are meaningless
• insecurity concerning ability to love themselves, let alone another person
• insecurity regarding present accomplishments
• re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships
• lack of friendships or romantic relationships, sexual frustration, and involuntary celibacy
• disappointment with one's job
• nostalgia for university, college, high school or elementary school life
• tendency to hold stronger opinions
• boredom with social interactions
• loss of closeness to high school and college friends
• financially-rooted stress (overwhelming college loans, unanticipatedly high cost of living, etc.)
• loneliness, depression and suicide
• desire to have children
• a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
• frustration with social ills

to read further here's the link to the wikipedia entry http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

now i wouldn't say i'm experience all of the "symptoms", but i'm experiencing many of them. here are some of the thoughts/reflections/realizations that have been crossing my mind lately...

- i brought back a photo album with me from my room at home. it has mostly pictures from when i was a toddler and them some as young kid. i always thought my parents looked so young for their age and basically looked the same as i had always remembered them (except for dad getting a little salt and pepper in his hair and mom not getting hers permed anymore...) but after looking at my baby/childhood photos i see how much we've all grown and that they do look older. but still not old. in fact, what was most shocking about this was not how old they look now, but how young they looked then. they both looked SO young. it was an eerie feeling. i realized the reason that this was so shocking/eerie was because i'm now fast approaching the age that my parents were when they married and began their lives together, and consequently, my life. the pictures i'm looking at with them holding me as a baby ....i'm looking at them as they were at roughly my age. it's a crazy sensation. surreal in fact. it must be akin to the feeling of what parents feel seeing their kids grow up. now, maybe, i understand the tears and parents' pain of aging more.

- lots of my friends are getting engaged/married and a handful are already having children. i get so excited to hear all of these announcements and consider all of it great news. now that my original graduating class of '09 has officially graduated from their respective colleges and universities, many of them are working real jobs, living in their own place, paying things bills and taxes, and having "office holiday parties". that's real. that's SO real.

i've been thinking a lot about the person i always thought i would be. what i expected my life to be like. the daughter i thought i was supposed to be, the sister i was supposed to be, the friend i was supposed to be, the student i was supposed to be......... the success i was supposed to be.

starting in late elementary school i had always imagined that i would grow up to be an academically successful graduate of WHS; a prominent member of the freshtones (select freshman show choir) and then the famed Concert Choir, decorated soccer player, governor's school alum, and social butterfly. then i'd go on to UVA where i'd study to become a doctor and play on the soccer team (i also remember the fantasy of dating a Cavalier football player...but the team was a lot better when i was younger.)

needless to say.... this didn't play out exactly as planned (in many cases, not at all as planned).

i was a pretty successful honors student who did end up going to to governor's school. i did make Freshtones and then when auditions came, landed a spot in Concert Choir making it to second chair, choreographer, and house manager. i also wrote and performed sketches and parodies in the biannual CC variety shows just like the ones i idolized growing up. i did have a soccer career that garnered some notoriety as a starter, rookie of the year, captain, all-district...and i did enjoy a pretty lovely social scene and moderate popularity. those things were somewhat close to what i had imagined as a 5th grader at Westwood Hills. but there were some things that weren't as close or that didn't go "according to plan".

I decided not to go back to Governor's School for my senior year. starting my sophomore year, my habit of adding on extracurriculars and biting off precocious bits of academic ambition was gradually wearing me thin and taking its toll on me. i began to feel the heat too much and the stress caused me to crack and eventually have a mental breakdown at 17 (despite trying to internalize and keep shit from hitting the fan). i hurt my mental health severely, it hurt my motivation, it hurt my relationships, it hurt my self-esteem and confidence, it hurt my academic performance.

Once i became eligible for NCAA recruitment i began to get calls and letters about playing soccer in college. i went on a few visits and began talking to coaches but then, after thoughtful consideration and discussion with my parents, decided to remove my name from the clearing list. I had suffered quite a traumatic mental storm during the latter part of my high school career and felt strongly that now that i had reinvented my schedule and cleared out what i didn't need and attempted to eliminate my stressors... it was time to start clean and allow myself the opportunity to explore life after high school and completely reinvent myself.

i only applied to one in state school and eventually decided to attend a small private (wealthy, white..) college in the south. i loved college and had a blast living in an entirely new place. at first i thought it was like summer camp plus school work, minus curfew, plus things like alcohol. but the transition proved to be more bumpy than i anticipated. i decided to drop my pre-med major and go undecided. my roommate had a toxic personality and i hadn't had to share a room before ...needless to say, it became a hostile living situation. i was suddenly wrecked with stress, uncertainty, and later depression. while i still went on to have truckloads of good times and made some of my very best friends, i was in a perpetual struggle to find success. after 2 1/2 years, over thanksgiving break, i decided with the support of my parents, to discontinue my time there.

i was soon searching for new possibilities and finally (over winter break) narrowed down some choice schools to apply for transfer to that would have an environment and programs more conducive to my vision for college and thereafter. before i could complete the process, i broke my neck in a freak winter car accident on my way up to work ski patrol. what followed was a [mentally and physically] painful recovery period. the really horrible thing about the nature of my injury was that all i could do to rehabilitate was to wait. sit still, and wait. i became a prisoner of my own mind. thankful to be alive and not paralyzed.. but still desperate to be active in some greater capacity. i was in a state of circumstantial depression. miserable and tortured.

Then, in the last month or so of my recovery i gave myself an attitude adjustment. things may have veered far from the path i had initially laid out for myself. but that's the bitch/wonder/joy of life...things are subject to change. shit happens and you have to learn to roll with the punches and work with what you've got. sometimes it's a harsh realization but a necessary one. so i decided to suck it up and try to work my way back to where i wanted to be. i decided to become "the comeback kid".

so immediately following my recovery i took some summer school classes to catch up and i applied for transfer. i took 12 hrs of classes close to home and kept a 4.0 then i officially transferred in January of this year (09) to the largest university in the state with a program i'm exited to be in and that i feel is preparing me for a career that i'm enthusiastic about. i'm back playing soccer and started playing lacrosse as well. i'll graduate in may 2011. as a new 24 yr old.

i often look back on my whimsical, winding road with regrets. sometimes those regrets include things like: not studying harder in high school, not loving myself enough as a kid or teenager, not allowing myself to be comfortable in my own skin, not treating people well enough, not going to med school and becoming a doctor, not having the balls to go out and pursue my love of comedy, not going to an ivy league school, not controlling my sassy mouth more.

most people think that regrets are useless or even counterproductive. but i think there's something to be learned from regrets. reflecting on why you regret those things, what it was you wanted from those things, and whether or not that's still what you want. reflection is like self-therapy; giving yourself a progress report.

like a good presbyterian, i believe in a certain predestination. i believe things happen for reason. some call it fate, others call it a plan. for now, i'm a work in progress. doing the best i can since 1987.

love

Rock Bottom Can Kiss My Ass

it's 4am and absolutely ludicrous that i'm blogging right now when i should be deep in slumber awaiting the rise of Wednesday. but i couldn't fight the inspiration bursting through me right now at this ungodly hour so here we are.

let me review just kind of what i've been going through the last week or so.

homesickness...i wrote about this earlier...i've been oddly homesick for essentially the first time (except one time at dance camp. for reals). so i've been kind of stressing to find a time when i can go home without missing anything back here at college. it's been heavy on my heart.

fatty fatty 2 by 4.... i've felt fat the last week or so. i was on my period for part of it so that's kind of just what comes with the territory. but then i had to take most of the week off of soccer to rest a leg that had inflamed muscle tissue. so i wasn't getting much exercise aside from walking. and i was eating more than usual for some odd reason. it was like i had an insatiable appetite. gag. i wish i could say i didn't struggle with body image but i do. i absolutely do. i want to look healthy and be fit. i want to look and feel great and it's just been driving me up the wall the past couple of weeks. i'm not fat. but i'm not as fit or toned or trim as i want to be. i find myself wishing for the high school body i was once so critical of. i still keep my favorite pair of black stretch gap jeans from high school in my bottom drawer with me here at college. they're like my goal pants. i want to get to this zen place by shaping my lifestyle into one that's built around healthy habits.

show me the money... i'll level with you. i didn't get a real job this summer. i babysat/nannied for a couple that i love. the rest of the time i either worked out, hung out, did home improvement projects for mom and dad, or traveled. so unlike the summer i worked for Hershey, i didn't bring home thousands of dollars to play with at college. damn. thousands of dollars sound so good right now. i have money that will see me through but i have to spend wisely and use way more restraint than i've ever had to before. it's tough. i've been poking around looking for part time jobs nearby but it seems the jobs are scarce as the newspapers tell us. the hunt continues but until i land a paying gig it looks like i'll have to tighten my belt...if i didn't feel so fat...

has been........i love soccer. it was my main event growing up and i had a pretty solid career in my time playing competitively growing up. but after 4 years of not playing, plus some drinking, weird sleeping, additional eating, and way less exercising....my A game is not what it used to be. playing on the club team has been awesome. the girls are great. the calibur of the talent and level of effort is everything i could hope for. but as great as it is to be playing a sport i love with girls i love....i can't help but wrestle with feelings of inadequacy. i'm not as fast or as fit or as sharp as i used to be. i've gone from being one of the top players who started every game and logged goals and assists regularly to just trying to keep up with the pack and pushing myself to meet expectations. soccer used to be a point of pride for me and now i feel like i'm just trying not to embarrass myself. insert ego punch here.

and now, tonight i have this massive, insane headache out of nowhere that's been killing me for almost 2 hrs. preventing me from resting and getting the sleep i HAVE to have. my mind is racing with the aforementioned thoughts in my head and i'm just lying there trying to tire myself to the point of passing out from mental exhaustion. then i suddenly remembered an exchange i had earlier in the day with one of my lax loves, linds. after soccer i dropped by the apartment that linds shares with jill, rach, and chels to drop off a couple things. linds started telling me that she had gotten pulled over by a cop on the way back to school from a concert at home this weekend. here is essentially the excerpt from the conversation:

L: so i got pulled over when i was coming home this weekend by a cop for going too fast down this hill...

S: and you got a ticket?

L: no.

S: you cried your way out of it?

L: no.

S: you showed him your boobs?

L: yeah, 'sucky sucky no ticket.'

now before i go any further, you should all know that lindsey did NOT flash her breasts at a police officer. that was a dry joke that lindsey nonchalantly slipped in there.

but i thought this little jest was HILARIOUS and immediately collapsed beside her bed in a fit of laughter that lasted for another good 2.5 minutes (to which chelsea commented "whoop, and she's gone" as my knees buckled). i found this to be just hilarious. after eventually recovering from this episode we finished the convo and i headed back to my apartment.

cut to me lying here in bed begging the magical tylenol to kick this headache in the balls so i can finally hibernate. this conversation replays in my head spontaneously and i immediately relapse into the same laughing fit as earlier only this time, i'm desperately trying to muffle it so as not to wake my roommate katie. of course, suppressing only makes it worse i'm nearly killing myself just to keep quiet. finally, i again recover and am able to breathe.

i still have a headache but it's like someone pulled a giant stick out of my ass. i'm more relaxed and in WAY better spirits. i think about how funny that was and how awesome it felt to laugh so hard at something. total bliss. when you laugh like that it's a complete "life time-out". your mind cannot focus on anything except for how funny that something was. and i think about how grateful i am to laugh like that. and more importantly, how grateful i am to have friends that make me laugh like that. friends that bring me this kind of joy....now there's an area where i've hit the jackpot. i have a dream team of friends. they are so good to me it almost brings tears to my eyes just to think of them. they are funny and they are fun. they are kind and understanding. they pick me up when i'm down, kick me in the ass when i'm feeling sorry for myself, mend my spirit when's broken (or just bruised), and they dish out reality when i need perspective. more than anything they show me love. i find my inspiration to live extraordinarily in them. they make me feel special, like i deserve good things and am capable of achieving great things, so i choose to live my life as the person they see. someone worthy of their time, friendship, and love. and that, my friends, is enough. near or far, fat or thin, rich or poor, famous or unknown... it will always be enough to try daily to live a humble life inspired by love. so "rock bottom" can kiss my ass. this kid's walking on sunshine.

okay seriously...NOW i have to sleep.

<3

Home

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
still feel alone
Let me go home

Today i'm feeling homesick. this is something i have rarely felt throughout my life since like age 5. i always loved sleepovers and going on trips and away to camps. i loved to get out of the house and be somewhere else. i was just never a homesick kid. even in the past 4 years of college i've really only been homesick once. now at 22, i'm feeling homesick just barely a month into the semester. at first i was embarrassed and felt lame. but you know, i just miss my house where i have all of the food i like, dish TV, my fave recliner, my bed, my bathroom. all of the things that make it feel like home. i want to go shop with mom and get sushi with my parents down the road at Massaki. fix myself lunch in the afternoon while mom reads and dad watches golf...catch a movie later on with amy, jen, susie, and mom. brunch at the country club. night chat at starbucks. watch episodes of queer eye with mom with our green tea and dark chocolate. i even kind of want to mow the lawn (my favorite chore). naturally there's also some clothes and such that i'd like to collect and bring back, things i forgot before. i just need a time out and a couple of days back in my hood.

so hopefully i get to skip back home for the weekend and come back refreshed and primed for next week ready to bring my A game once again.

and now for some random/fragmented thoughts.

i'm coming up on the end of my period and i'm having a fat day. boo.

i pulled muscle after not treating a shin splint. boo

i treated myself to the pumpkin spice latte yesterday at starbucks. yay

i watched every episode of season 2 of 30 Rock and loved it. again. yay

i did laundry and nobody jacked any of my stuff or took my clothes out or moved them. yay

my stat homework for chapter 3 was RIDICULOUS. boo.

had a FABULOUS dinner/gelato date with rachel which was super fun and totally relaxing. yay

diablo cody's twitter has been especially hilarious this week. yay

i saw the most adorable chubby wubby bulldog the other day. YAY

the weather is finally starting to feel like fall. DOUBLE YAY.

one of my best girls, linds, had a quarterlife revelation and has since decided to change somethings up to live the life that will actually fulfill her and make her happy. there is already a noticeable difference in her everyday. YAY.

HOCKEY SEASON STARTS THIS WEEK. blackhawks kick off later this week :) yay

annnnnnnnd scene. more meaningful post later.

love

don't worry this will totally make up for me not posting yesterday...

okay so first order of business.... yesterday there was a tag on twitter of 1999 icebreakers. my contribution was "my yak bak is the same color as your tamagatchi". from there i went on the read the entire wikipedia entry on Power Rangers. and it was incredible. so this look down memory lane has inspired me to dig deeper and highlight some of my favorite toys and shows i grew up with (i also had the childhood tv convo with scott at like 1am in starbucks this past weekend).

yak bak - obviously one of the best (and ridiculously simple) toys ever made. small enough to take anywhere as in ANYWHERE. even church. where i specifically remember being with jill d in the back row of the balcony recording and playing back the word naked. until we chickened out and fled to the bathroom. also see TalkBoy (thanks home alone/m.culkin)

p.s there's apparently a yak bak watch called "yak time" if this is true, then the man who gives me this treasure will have my heart forever.

tamagatchi's. i did have one after my cousins showed theirs off one thanksgiving. but i was only briefly amused with mine. my brother, however, once had like 3 of them at once and was a full time parent to all of them. i can't remember how they were removed from his life but i'm confident that it was an ugly scene. also see nano pets/giga pets: b-list tamagatchis

nerf ANYTHING but particularly, the crossbow. this toy was pure money. you could shoot your brains out and nobody ever got hurt which means it was totally mom approved. it was light and endlessly entertaining. on several occasions my bro and i had to get replacement arrows because the originals were so beaten up from the kajillion hours of play. nerf guns are simply too legit to quit.

skip it. anyone? anyone? this was actually a cardio workout in disguise (another reason to bring it back...fight child obesity) basically a plastic ring you put around your ankle with a plastic lease and a little skip-odometer ball on the end. by skipping and whirling it around and around you simply tried to rack up as many skips as possible. it was a little loud clickitty clacking on the pavement so i'll to meditate on whether or not i'd ever let my future children play with that. mommy might lose it.

gak. it was actually marketed/manufactured by nickelodeon i think (as was floam, it's dumber, messier companion). gak was basically a slippier slimier silly putty that came in "scents" (mine was buttered poppcorn that smelled like a mix of vomit and dog crap" and you could play with it as putty or put it inside it's crazy container and shove your fingers in it to make fart sounds. your choice.

Shows..

Power Rangers- the original (mighty morphin). corny as hell but so cool. my bro and i had power rangers everything and we'd play PR with blake for hours in the backyard. every year mom would order us new winter coats (the classic collar parka from land's end) and we'd always choose the color of our ranger (i was pink.)

Sesame Street. the boss of all children's television programming. educational and endlessly entertaining. love it love it love it.

Barney. the early years. it was fun. cheesy of course, but also fun.

Eureka's castle. weird but fun and a little magical.

GUMMI BEARS. scott and i agree that this show was aces. get that gummi juice.

okay my laptop is running low on battery so until i can hook it back up i'll have to end this. more soon. grey's premiere tonight. YIKES. expect a blog storm.

cup o' cheer

today has been exceptionally stressful/rough despite a lack of things going wrong or bringing on stress. sometimes i feel like you just get "the stress bug". where it just takes one thing to irritate or frustrate you and the stress from that one incident, big or small, isolated or on going, just shadows you the entire day. it's a bugger for sure and can easily cause an otherwise okie doke day to go down the poop shoot.

for example, today... woke up after a solid night's rest, got my coffee brewing, checked my email(and twitter, facebook, blogs etc..), changed into jeans and a t-shirt... the usual routine and start of a potentially great day. then i popped some french bread pizza into the microwave and turned on What Not to Wear. when i finished eating i turned down the volume and brought my laptop out to the living room to work on some Stat work (all of which is done on the computer/online). one of the links/sites i need refused to load. and i repeatedly got the screen message that "oops! this link must be broken!" ..what? broken my ass. i checked the web address and refreshed it and then opened another window to do it again there as a back up. still nothing. i tried about 15 different ways to get this darn site to no avail. i wanted to pick up my laptop and shake it like an etch-a-sketch but luckily i was able to regain control and resist the urge. "this link may not exist anymore or may have moved to another location." wtf dude? they didn't leave a change of address card or treasure map? no clue or riddles? how the frack am i supposed to know if/where they moved? since when is an interactive educational software site nomadic? whatever. needless to say, this agitated me to no end and the stress/irritation from this has been derailing my day. good and bad events can each polarize the way i see the rest of the days events. a bad event(s) can rob me of compassion and mercy for the remainder of the day. it magnifies trivial things instead of being able to brush things off (case and point...i nearly had a fit when the elevator wasn't moving fast enough. wtf elevator? you know i have places to go jackass!..) Pessimism becomes my overall attitude/prospective for the day highlighting the negative. The inverse being true of good events (feeling happy, being extra forgiving/friendly, not worrying as much, enjoying things, not letting the little things get you down. seeing the good blah blah).

ANYWAYS. when this happens i've been making a point to actively work to reverse this effect. by indulging in all the things that cheer me up (not to be confused with things that enable self-pity or wallowing). So here are the things that i've assembled to combat this bummer attitude and redeem this ruby tuesday...

Father of the Bride - fab movie, fab soundtrack. ALWAYS leaves me happy

Christmas music - the ultimate mood boost. so cheery and gleeful. the holidays are my favorite and these tunes just can't be beat.

Youtube proposals - i realize i may get mocked for this but as many already know, i love to watch marriage proposals on Youtube. there are tons of them and they are so GREAT. i just love them.

Bloopers/Gag Reels- i could probably spend the entire day from when i wake up to when i go to bed watching bloopers and gag reels from various tv shows and movies. i just love it because it's people having a good time and lots of laughs. what i think is so cathartic about it is that it just shows people not taking themselves too seriously. messing up and being able to laugh about it. great way to be.

Hugs - i'm not an overly affectionate human being who is touchy huggy all the time BUT hugs are great and if you don't like hugs i think you're crazy. i'm not so much talking about the hugs you get when you say hello or goodbye or pass the peace at church. i'm talking about just getting or giving a hug because you just gotta have a hug. because you just love someone so much you just have to squeeze them. because you're so happy words can't describe and a hug is the perfect physical manifestation of your happiness or excitement. when hugs come instinctively that's when they're the best. when someone just hugs you because you're looking a little tired or beaten down. or you just get hugged out of nowhere. not expecting or consciously doing anything that would necessarily call for a hug. i will never get tired of hugs. never ever. hugs are the best thing ever.

that being said. i think i'm going to switch my ipod playlist to christmas music and go hug some people on the way back to my apartment to watch some proposals.

love

you really got a hold on me...

today after my coffee and ironing my clothes, i pulled up the fall premiere schedule (tv). i shamelessly love TV. there are bookoos (<-that's an appropriate spelling. i looked it up.) of horrible shows that should never see 1 minute of air time. but there are also plenty of FABULOUS SHOWS on. My favorites: Comedy: 30 Rock, the Office, Glee, Frasier, and Will & Grace (the latter two in syndication), Late night: Letterman and Chelsea Lately, Reality: Amazing Race, SYTYCD, and Project Runway, Drama: Bones, House, Desperate Housewives, and yes... Grey's Anatomy.

i was in the closet as a grey's lover for about 3 years. then i finally came clean. it's like ER (to be missed dearly this season) but instead of having a 70/30 split of medical/character focus, grey's is 30/70 with the emphasis on the situations and relationships between the characters. Grey's is sometimes predictable and occasionally cliche but blended with outrageous-yet-believable plot twists, shocking trauma cases, and tender (and often quotable) moments ("pick me, choose me, love me"), it's entertaining as all get out and i can't get enough of it. Because of it's mass appeal and wild success, Grey's doesn't always get the props it deserves and is often considered low brow. The characters are well developed...no doubt. fans can easily say " izzie is going to flip when she finds out..." or "bailey is not going to take that shit". yet even though we know these characters so well, there is always still room for growth and surprise (allowing for some of the more outrageous plot twists to be feasible.)

today i re-watched the season finale from grey's last season. i remember watching it for the first time the day after i came home for the summer last semester. i was folding laundry in my room in the house alone around lunch time. i remember literally gasping, scream-whispering "what the f", and rocking back and forth in my chair in an effort to make sense of the curve balls. it was BONKERS. so much craziness. and i was buying everything they were selling. just eating it up. it was my favorite episode yet because it was so shocking and...well so dramatic. and THEN katie, my lovely roomie/lax love, shows me a "first look" trailer for the season premiere that's airing this thursday...MORE CRAZINESS! i nearly fell off my bed! but this drama-laden pandemonium is exactly why i watch. i don't ever want a crap storm like that in real life. but experiencing it vicariously through a reality-simulator like grey's is the perfect way to enjoy the freight train of adrenaline without any actual stress or repercussions. it's like having your cake and eating it too. it thrills your pants off with no threat of real life consequences, making it nothing short of intoxicating. this sensation proves that you can love dramatic television and while loathing/trying to avoid drama in real life.

i'm a big kid now: making the transition from the happy meal to the arch deluxe...

Sundays and Thursdays are my laundry days. it's a brilliant schedule because thursday cleans your clothes from the week so everything is at your disposal for the weekend and then sunday cleans everything from the extended weekend to be ready to go for the new week. so as i was folding my clothes after dinner i reviewed at my sorted wardrobe. If east coast suburban WASPs had an outfit... my closet would perhaps be it. cardigans, v neck sweaters, oxford and polo shirts, khakis and chinos, and yes, even sweater vests. but i also have t-shirts and jeans and hoodies...although i'm not sure if that qualifies as "mixing it up". i actually didn't realize that my wardrobe was so fraiser & niles crane until one of my dear friends, lindsey, noted the other week in a totally casual benign way that i was the "preppiest person she knows". and then at dinner with the ladies i was the go-to source for catalog shopping at lands end and l.l.bean and explaining the term "snappy casual" (a term i learned at PC which the perfect way to describe "dressier than casual but more casual than dressy") i'll tell you why i like these kinds of clothes so much....they're functional. i typically like relatively plain, clean cut, tailored clothes. because they're easy, sharp, and you can make 1000 different outfits with them because the pieces are interchangeable. everything has a purpose- each pocket, each button, each loop. it's just a classic look that's pretty low maintenance. i feel comfortable in those clothes. clothes are like your second skin. they shape your image, positive or negative.Alec Baldwin's character on 30 Rock, Jack Donaghy, said that "your hair is you head suit". so that "it's what's on the inside that counts" and "don't judge a book by its cover" is 50% BS. it does matter. presentation matters as an adult. wearing a suit, combing your hair, and shaving says "i'm ready to do business". wearing a sports uniform says "i've got my game face". wearing a t-shirt and jeans with a baseball cap says "i'm hanging out". unshaven with greasy hair and disheveled pj/lounge wear says "i'm a jackass that clearly can't even take care of myself, let alone another person or important task." some people see prep clothes as a semi-deliberate signal of entitlement even though those wearing them may just enjoy the same practical qualities that i highlighted earlier. they may just be comfortable. the trick is finding a wardrobe where comfort and image can coexist. that being said, i spend a good amount of time in athletic clothing and i feel comfortable in that too just like when i'm hanging around in jeans and a t-shirt. but i'm also realizing that it may age me a bit. i do get people frequently that say i look 18 or younger (i'm 22) and i think a big part of that is my height (5'3"). but my "preppy" wardrobe may be pulling me to far in the other direction making me look like a suburban housewife/soccer mom. this sounds like a trivial dialogue to have with oneself but it's actually just a smaller conversation that's part of a bigger discussion going on in my head. that discussion is about me becoming an adult and finding the borders between adolescence and adulthood to be less finite than i had originally thought.

this is my 5th year of college (known as the Super Senior) but i'm academically considered a junior (even though i have more actual credits than the average graduate. after a broken neck, transfer of schools and change of major, i'm 2 yrs away from graduating with a B.S in Tourism and Events Management (2011). so i'm basically enjoying a couple "bonus" rounds of collegiate life. I think many would agree... if you're going to be doing extra time anywhere in your life... college is the place to do it. I love college. it enriches me differently every semester. never has my own personal growth been so rapid. it's fascinating and exciting but it's also overwhelming and i find myself often sitting or walking totally engrossed in my own thoughts just trying to sort through buckets of ideas, questions, opinions, and emotions that are constantly evolving. my mind is never idle. the quandary of young adulthood has become so exhausting that one of the only ways i find any solace from the stress is watching comedy on TV.

one thing that has become clear already in this semester is that i feel more inclined to be more of an adult in daily life. i'm the main housekeeper in our apt. i lysol the apartment, clean the counters and stove tops, vacuum, clean the bathroom, replenish hand and dish soap, wash the towels and wipe the tables. my mother and father would sob with pride if they saw the snow white and seven dwarfs number i'm pulling on this place. i keep a schedule in my planner. penciling in things like tests, papers, soccer practice, campus events, dinner dates, etc... i drink coffee in the morning to wake me up in an effort to become more of a morning person and i drink tea at night to soothe myself and wind me down for bed. i try to read the latest edition of the paper that's in starbucks each morning while i have my coffee before class (although usually i opt for the Onion which is fake news.... whatever. suck it, i'm a young adult. cut me some slack.) i try to exercise will power when i shop for food and say no to Edy's Butterfinger Max ice cream and yes to ...almonds....

socially i see myself changing as well in terms of preference to where i like to hang out and who i like to do it with. i'm not into the classic frat party. predatory d-bags looking for pretty underclassmen who are tipsy and willing. two games of beer pong and a disgruntled pledge in charge of hunch punch distribution. top 40 mix that's 70% R&B/rap 30%Pop. no TP in the bathrooms. no thanks. and i'd rather punch myself in the face than pay a $10 cover charge to go to a club with a disco ball, blacklights, and outrageously priced rail drinks just to dance with dirtbags soaked in dakkar noir thinking they're in like flynn when it comes to hooking up. the music is essentially a playlist of house remixes of pop songs blasting at a volume that would drive even marlee matlin up the wall. i don't think so.

Things/scenes i am into? poker night, bowling(tipsy or sober), going to a sports pub with friends, putt putt, dinner dates, big band/jazz spot, walking around DC day or night (especially georgetown, chinatown or the national mall), concerts, karaoke bars, and sporting events.

young adulthood is a gift. it's the perfect opportunity to have a period of completely organic reflection, discovery, growth, and definition.

sleep of course is a necessary part of this process so i'll shut it down for the night.

love

Soccer Schedule

for those in the DC/NoVa area who might want to catch a game sometime and watch our wildly talented ladies club soccer team play here at GMU or away against our various opponents, here's the schedule for the season. 4 away and 9 home.

Sunday September 27th: AWAY at Towson University
11:00am GMU vs Towson
GMU vs. Loyola

Sunday October 4th: HOME
10:00 GMU vs Johns Hopkins University

Saturday October 17th: HOME
GMU vs. Longwood
GMU vs. Salisbury

Saturday October 24th: AWAY at University of Mary Washington
11:00 GMU vs. UMW
1:00 GMU vs. ODU

Saturday November 7th: HOME
10:00 GMU vs. Virginia Tech
2:30 GMU vs. Messiah

Saturday November 14th: HOME
10:00 GMU vs. CNU
2:30 GMU vs WVU

Saturday November 21: HOME
10:00 GMU vs. Radford
2:30 GMU vs. University of Delaware

Easy Like Sunday Morning...

i'm not going to use caps because i'm lazy and can type/think faster if i skip 'em.

i saw (500) days of summer yesterday with my friend Scott. it was exactly what i expected from two indie darlings (joseph gordon-levitt and zooey deschanel) in an offbeat rom-com. a little laughing out loud, plenty of awkward moments, some heartache and disappointment, a few cute theatrical moments, and a pretty nice coffee house soundtrack. i probably won't be buying this one for my own personal DVD collection but it was enjoyable nonetheless. i'm a big fan of zooey deschanel and i think she's managed to coast under the radar for the most part due in part to her preference to indie films (although she's been in blockbusters like almost famous, failure to launch, and elf). i think she's a pretty great actress who could win the hearts of most anyone with the right script. she tends to play whimsical characters that are generally quirky and unconventional. i'd actually like to see her break free from this more and try out some other roles that have different voices and personalities. i think she's capable of angelina jolie-intense mental illness or meryl streep- powerhouse ice queen.

in other news... we had our first club soccer game of the season yesterday at mary washington and we won 6-0. soccer has been kicking my ass these past few weeks with an exceptional calibur of players, more than competent coaching staff, and brutal workouts. i was shocked to be starting and as a midfielder. i haven't played midfield since middle school/maybe freshman year of high school. my high school years on travel & varsity i was chiefly a forward and more specifically, left forward because i had a stronger left foot than most and i was a finisher. however, 4 years of college(and no soccer) and 15 lbs heavier.... it's harder to bring back the A game i once knew. but i even managed to get in an assist to a beautiful corner goal by teal. i have great fun playing soccer and even though my body is begging for mercy at the end of every practice and game, i feel better and healthier for showing up and soldiering through the strenuous activity.

tonight the Emmy's come on @8pm eastern on CBS. you can be sure grace and i will be tuning in. expect a post tomorrow centered specifically around the awards.