Living on a Prayer

friends,
i sent most of you a "PLEASE PRAY" text last night before my cell phone battery was shot. i got many of your responses and messages this morning and cannot thank you enough for your willingness to meditate and pray without hesitation. i know that many of your were concerned due to the lack of detail and response. here is the reason for the text:

my fam and i were en route to Chicago for the holidays yesterday (where my dad is from and thus our extended family). we had pretty ideal driving weather until about 100 miles out from chicago around 9pm or so. then we began to see freezing rain and wintery mix fall with the temperature outside hovering around 30 degrees.

most everyone knows that almost 2 years ago (in jan) i was in a severe winter car accident while i was driving up to work ski patrol at Wintergreen. after losing contro, out of the blue, my car spun off the road and slammed head-on into 2 trees with the impact snapping my neck. after a miraculous recovery of several months my body healed totally, escaping any nerve damage or paralysis. however, i suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) where i had overwhelming and debilitating anxiety about riding in cars, driving, and inclement weather. i had terrible panic attacks and was repeatedly haunted by nightmares and flashbacks. With professional therapy, medication, and the unwavering support of my family and friends, i was able to work through this incredibly difficult mental battle. In May of this year(about a year and a half after the accident) I was finally able to come off the anxiety medication and reestablish a sense of normalcy and confidence (with the exception of mild car jitters).

My brother came to get me from school at GMU in Fairfax, VA this past friday due to the forecasted blizzard. we made it safely, only encountering weather for the last 20+ minutes of our 2 hr journey. it was a little unnerving but i was able to handle it and keep most of my panic at bay.

Last night, my worst fears came to haunt me. Sitting just less than 20 miles from my grandmothers brownstone in Chicago, we were stopped in traffic on the Skyway on the left most side of the inbound lanes against the jersey wall divider. there was a slight hill that we were sitting just short of. trying to distract myself i was watching a movie on my ipod when all of the sudden i heard a giant "WHACK" that made my heart stop and i nearly pissed my pants. a jeep had come flying over the hill headed the other direction and lost control, crashing wildly into the jersey wall right beside our car and went spinning across the road finally haulting in the very middle facing OPPOSITE traffic. the driver, a man, got out in front of his car and began trying to wave cars that were coming over the hill away from his car in the center of road which IDIOTIC and as my dad nearly shrieked, suicide. Sure enough the next car to come over the hill was going a cool 60 mph and didn't see the man in time to brake cautiously and thus ended up swerving and spinng uncontrollably in a desperate attempt to avoid the man and his car. he ended up hitting the car and the jersey wall but missing the man, at which point the man hopped back in his car realizing that standing there was a death sentence. the cars on our side all had their hazards and blinkers on and many, including myself, had their windows down waving arms frantically, desperately trying to caution and plead with the oncomig traffic. the cars were mostly coming too quickly and blindly over the hill and could not avoid the clusterfuck ahead. while a few were able to somehow manuever their spin with little or minimal damage, i watched in horror as car after car after SUV after Uhaul after tractor trailer went sailing across the glassy terrain and smashed into the cars that now lay battered across the skyways. it was like living in a nightmare, being actively tortured watching these cars full of traveling families get crushed by the helpless and wild vehicles behind them, laying there begging to be shielded from the brunt of the impact and colossal damage. it was like being forced to watch my accident all over again from the outside 25 times in a row. even my father, who is normally able to stay stoic and pragmatic in these situations was visibly upset and shocked as piles of casualties got closer to the spot next to us by the jersey wall. now the greatest threat was a car coming through or across the jersery wall and crushing our car that had no exit thanks to traffic. this is when i sent that last text out. I layed in our car in traumatic shock and became sick to my stomach. clinging to my brother and praying harder than i'm sure i ever have. despite closing my eyes, i could still hear the larger than life sound of the vehicles losing control and smacking into the walls and each other. our side of traffic finally losened up and we were able to manuver over and exit though not before witnessing the same horrific mess beginning just down the way on our own side.

we made it to the house safely. i quickly jumped out of the car and hurried up the stairs and into the bathroom where i promptly collapsed on the floor, again got sick to my stomach and now uncontrollably sobbing. i did end up having a full blown anxiety attack and mental breakdown where i couldn't seem to get my grief and distress under control. after being inconsolable for about an hour and a half i was finally able to start calming down (perhaps due to pure exhaustion. one of my dear aunts loaded me up with red wine (catholic xanx), a tall glass of water, and some ibuprofen. i went out like a light. i'm doing better today, happy to have my family, this holiday (incidently also my aunt jo's birthday), and my favorite city to distract me. the pile up wreckage we witnessed was all over the news and due to the magnitude of it, they closed the skyway for hours.

I want to thank everyone for their overwhelming support, prayers, thoughts, and concern. I feel strongly that it was very much part of our safe keeping. and please continue to pray for the prevention and healing of all the families that are actively or will be having to deal with this unthinkable tragedy this holiday. I realize this is a sobering story to be sharing on such a joyous (and as most know, my FAVORITE) holiday of the year but perhaps it can enhance our Chirstmas by urging us to count our blessings and be more generous with our hugs and affection as we celebrate with our family and friends. i love every one of you and hope that you have the best [safe] Christmas holiday and a rockin' new years eve.
love,